Breaking down the walls

People have asked me why I fear vulnerability. I guess to fully understand why I fear vulnerability so much. I have had to take some time to do some self-reflection, and really ask myself the question, when did I stop being vulnerable. What I've found is I really can't determine a key point in my life when I decided that love and openness were less desirable than going through some pain.

Each time I've been hurt, wounded, or scared. Little by little I've unconsciously built a wall around my heart..... brick by brick to protect myself from the pain. The walls I've built are like armor, which eventually have imprisoned the softness of the heart.

When people meet me they tell me that I'm hard to get to know, and they don't know how to take me. It's like my walls are built so thick due to being hurt so much in my life that people can feel my resistance. Yet, for those who get through the walls I've built around my heart tell me that getting through the resistance was worth it.

I've asked some of the people closest to tell me what it's like to really know me. Their responses include the following: Your the most selfless person I know, your thoughtful, your loving, your responsible, your honest, your caring, your forgiving, you enjoy what you have and love life, your a leader, your compassionate, you make me want to be a better person, and your funny. Can you imagine what I could be like if I allowed myself to be vulnerable. Who wouldn't want to love a person like that? Because I have locked my heart up for so long out of protection it's hard for me to recognize and see those qualities I have. I don't believe that I deserve love or connectedness's. So, of course it's easy for me to sabotage any relationship that I get into.

Over the past month I've really looked inside myself on how I can rebuild my connectedness, and have turned to the one person who understands that connectedness more than anyone (GOD). He has spoken to my heart and is helping me rebuild my walls and allowing that vulnerability and authenticity to take over. In the past month I have experienced more hurt, pain, and sorrow than ever before. Over the past week I found myself grabbing for the bricks again, and instead of building a thicker wall I got down on my knees and prayed. Let's just say even though I placed the brick on my wall God took it off for me. As I continue to fight my urges to cut people out of my life in the process I'm building a stronger and better me. I can't wait to see what my heart will become as I continue to allow myself to be vulnerable. So, to answer everyone questions I don't know why I fear vulnerability, but I'm ready to master it!

Crystal Angel