I can't believe it school starts on Tuesday. I only have 4 months left till graduation. I graduate May 16,2010. I'm so excited for May to come. This journey has changed my life, and I'm so very excited to see where life takes me from here. 2010 is a year for dreams and change I feel it. I'm excited for my growing family, and for growing opporunties. I went to the temple the other night, and I realized how selfish I have been lately. For some reason I feel that I have had so many trials lately, and have felt it is just not fair. The thoughts that have went through my head are "i'm a good person, why is this happening. I'm living a good life....Why can't things be better. Why do I feel alone...and Why isn't heavenly father helping me?" What selfish thoughts. I have been at this dead end for sometime now refusing to move until Heavenly father tells me where to move. I just have flat out stopped trusting myself....and my god. Who am I to think that I am above god? I got sick a week ago, and asked for a blessing. Before I recieved the blessing I turned to the person who willinging and unselfishly came to give me the blessing, and told him what he should say in the blessing. I mean REALLY!!!! I'm surprised that heavenly father hasn't stuck me in a time out, or yet hit me with a dose of humility. My heart has not been in the right place.
I've always been one to love. In my patirarticle blessing it says "you have a great love for others, and your influence for good will effect many individuals." Many people lately have broken that love which I hold so dear, and it's hard for me to give that love anymore. One might question what happens when you choose not to love? Well, You stop feeling...you stop believing in yourself for the instincts that you trusted brought such hurt. The ultimate loss though is the lack of trust in Heavenly Father, his son, and the spirit. I mean if they really loved wouldn't they have prevented the hurt? In John 4:7-8 it says, "Behold let us love one another; for love is god and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. HE that loveth not knoweth not god; for God is love." It's amazing to me that when we hurt the first thing we do is blame god... like if we blame him long enough he is going to stop the hurt that overcomes our heart? I'm so sick of not feeling...not trusting.... and not loving. I don't want to just go through the motions of life.... I want to live and feel all of it (even the pain). How do I break through this numbing feeling and open my heart again? I was made to love, and it's something that I desire, but where do Ibegin?
In the temple the other night I got my answer. I realized that spirtually speaking we are like children learning the things that we need to in this life to mature into gods and godessess. The pain, trails, happiness, and feelings are all things that we must master to become like our heavenly parents. These experiences just as the experiences we have as we mature are for our benefit. Just as our earthly parents are here to guide us through the expriences we face here in mortaility. Our Heavenly parents are here to guide us through the spiritual experiences that we face in this life. Both more knowledgable than me, but are not above me. Heavenly father's love is unconditional. Everlasting.....just as my parent's love is unconditional and everlasting. I'm still a spirtual child...growing in understanding of my purpose and potiential. My heavenly father and savior will guide and teach me what I need to do to be like them. THey understand how much life is going to hurt, but also know the joy and happiness I will feel after accomplishing this great work. They understand that I am going to experience pain, but they also understand I need to grow. I'm so very grateful for a loving heavenly father who understands what I go through....who understands that I can be a little selfish....who understands that I need these expriences to help me grow.... who see's beyond my imperfections and loves me anyway. I'm also grateful for loving parents and a family who have been so supportive. Happiness is truly the object and design of our existance.
I hope all is well, and thank you all for your love and support. I love you!!!!
me that has come up in my profession...and the word that I absolutely dread to answer is WHY. As A social worker I have heard things like: Crystal, WHY can't I live with my parents? I love them so much, Crystal, Why do I have to suffer with this mental illness or disability?, Crystal, Why would someone take all of my money. BUT THE QUESTION that comes up the most and the one I dread the most is "Crystal, can you tell me WHY would god allow this to happen?. I don't know why....but people ask this a question....but it happens.... a lot. I would be lying if I have not thought this a couple of times myself. As a social worker I answer this question as professionally as I can, but on a personal level it's got me thinking.
