When a woman first dreams of prince charming, she's somewhere around seven. For as long as I can remember I was taught by every woman around me that the role of a "Woman" was to grow up, get married, and have children. My Grandma had 10 daughters, and all were married before the age of 26. So, I automatically thought I would be married before the age of 26 and it would just "MAGICALLY" happen like it happens in the movies. What can I say I'm a hopelessly romantic person! My prince charming would meet me, fall head over hills for me, and profess his undenying love for me. We would then ride off into a beautiful sunset, be married in the traditional way, we would have four children, and live happily ever after in our home with a white picket fence. I know I can be sarcastic, but when I say this I REALLY THOUGHT love happened this way. I BLAME HOLLYWOOD!!
I'm not one of those Women that has ever panicked about getting married. I have always been satisfied in my life and comfortable with who I am(thanks mom). I knew I wanted to get married someday, and for sure it would happen the "Hollywood" way. After graduation I decided to go to college, and obtain a degree. I dated a lot in college, but honestly my longest relationship was about 2-3 months prior to the age 21. At that time I met a guy and started dating him. What I had realized was "Dating" was not all that I expected it to be, and it was CERTAINLY not as "Hollywood" showed on the big screen(the older I get the more angry I get with Hollywood for lying to me). As the age of 26 started approaching more and more people around me started questioning why I wasn't married. The pressure was almost unbearable. It's not like I hadn't thought about marriage, but I was in an on again/off again relationship with some guy that was QUITE confusing. For one reason or another it just wasn't working. After 6.5 years of dating my on and off again relationship at the age of 27.
With my families overwhelming pressure for me to get married and my relationship ending with a guy that I thought might be my "Prince Charming". It was the first time I started questioning and panicking about getting married. I thought for sure I was "too old" to ever find prince charming. Yet, I knew that my dream of my "Hollywood" ending would not fail. I thought for sure the guy I previously dated would recognize that he was an idiot that he let me go and come after me (Lol... sorry that just made me laugh). When that didn't happen I started to get depressed. The more I thought about my age, the dating pool of guys I had to choose from, and putting myself out there to meet another prince charming it was almost too overwhelming. Instead of jumping into another relationship I went on a strike from dating, and "Guarded my Heart" (See previous post) in the wrong way.
I truly believe that god gives us experiences for a reason. We do not always see the things that he See's things. My desire and role to be a wife and a mother continue to burn bright. However, my role as a Woman is far greater. The great thing about my mom is she did not only teach me what it means to be a mother, but she first taught me what it means to be a woman. So, when you start to feel down or question your purpose I will give you some advice that my mom always gives me.
1. It is more important to know who you are than to let other people define who you should be.
2. You can always learn something.
3. Is it really going to matter 10 years from now?
4. If you want to make something happen. Get off your butt and do something about it.
5. Today will never happen again. Enjoy it.
Life isn't about waiting for your "Happily ever after" it's about creating it.
Monday, July 23, 2012
I don't know if you know this or not, but when your 30 and single you go through a lot of heartbreak..... a LOT. One of the most frustrating things about being single at 30 is people don't always understand that YES, I have been in love before ( I only say this with a big "YES" because I was approached by one of my 20 year old cousin's who has ONLY dated 2 guys in her whole life who told me that I didn't know what it was like to be "IN LOVE"). What people don't realize is that when you are 30 and single you learn all about love. You learn what it is like to love someone unconditionally, to be in "LUST" with someone, to "LOVE" someone in a friend like way, to crush on someone, and to be "IN LOVE". Being single at 30 teaches you to love at all levels. Many of my best friends today are people I have dated in the past(yes, this can be a bit awkward at first). Learning about different types of love has been the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life. Unfortunately, when your heart aches for the loss of a relationship little by little you start guarding your heart more and more and MORE. If you know me it doesn't take a psychologist to realize that I have "TRUST" issues and may guard my heart more than I did when I was younger. This is not because I want to avoid a relationship or that "I'm jaded" when it comes to love. When your "in love" relationship" ends it's a painful experience, and if you haven't experienced this loss I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
So, how can we guard out hearts correctly? The older we get the more comfortable we get and that goes for relationships. Sometimes we date people for just way too long or on the flipside not long enough. The thing that I wanted to focus on today is recognizing when people are "JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU". The longer we stay in a relationship the more damage we do to ourselves. Here are some sign's that the person you are dating may just not be in to you. I got this information from a book with that same title. They also made a movie about it. Plus I can't tell you how many times I heard this from my girlfriends when dating "some" guy (I forgot his name). LOL
10 Signs "He's just not that into you"
#1 Doesn't Share Personal InformationIf you're in a committed relationship you're going to swap personal information so that you know each other on a deeper level. This allows you to understand and strengthen your bond together. Men that don't plan on committing refuse to share this stuff. You don't know where he works. You don't know where he lives. You don't know if he has parents or siblings. You don't even know his last name. Keeping personal information hidden is a sign that he doesn't want you to know him that well so your relationship can't grow into anything further.
#2 You Aren't In His Future PlansWhen you're in a relationship that you plan on going the long run with, you change your future to make sure that you both are involved. You get a place together. You buy a car together. You may even go to the same school so that you can ride together to save on gas and money. You plan vacations and events together. Since you expect to still be going strong in the future, everything is done for two not one. If your guy is excluding you from his future plans then it's obvious he wasn't going to keep you around. He's still acting as if he was single which he probably will be when he reaches those goals. You went bye-bye way before then. He shouldn't be saying "I" all of time. They should start turning into "we" if he wants you apart of his life.
#3 Leaving the Relationship "Open"I mean open as in an open relationship. If he's dating around while dating you then it's obvious. Don't even bother listening to any of his twisted reasons for doing this. I've heard guys say they wanted to date around to get a good variety before choosing and so forth. If this wasn't agreed upon before you started dating then it shouldn't be accepted. If he doesn't stick with you from the start then he wasn't planning on being serious anyways.
#4 Doesn't Seem Interested in Your GoalsJust like how you want to be involved or at least know about his goals, he should want to know about yours. This way it shows he cares and maybe wants to help out. Your goals can affect the outcome of the relationship just as much as his so he wants to know. A guy that doesn't want to know probably doesn't need to. You aren't going to be around so why bother. Your family and your friends know of your goals. Maybe even some of your enemies so this really shows his lack of caring but again it doesn't matter. He wasn't trying to go far with you in the first place.
#5 He takes forever to text or email you back
In this technological age, there is nothing easier than sending someone a quick email or text. If your male companion takes hours — or even days — to respond to these simple forms of communication with even one line of acknowledgment, it’s time to kick him to the curb. This is not only lazy — it’s also rude. He might not be sending you a text message, but he is certainly sending you a clear message of another kind. On to the next one!
#6 He maintains physical and emotional distance
Does he often break eye contact, even in private? Or withhold sharing personal details about his life? On the physical and emotional levels, a guy who will not share just doesn’t want to go too deep. That can be fine for a fling, but it’s not worth making an emotional investment on your part. If you have had your fun, it’s time to move on to brighter horizons.
#7 He never comes over to your house
Men don’t like to go out of their way — especially if they are not that into you. A guy who likes you wants to make efforts to show you are special to him. Someone who won’t even drive to your house or take the subway can’t be expected to give much in the long term. There are other top-notch fish in the sea. Trust.
#8 He avoids touching you in public
If your guy friend loves to embrace, kiss and cuddle in the privacy of your home, but won’t even hold your hand on the street, this is a major warning sign. Either he doesn’t want to be seen as being "with" you, or he is scared one of his other lovers (or his wife!) will see you out in public. Drop this dude if he won’t even hold your hand.
#9 He rudely shoots down your ideas
A guy can disagree with your way of seeing the world and still care. If all he does is disrespectfully disregard your perspective when communicating, he likely doesn’t think much of you. You don’t want to be with someone who can’t treat you nicely, especially when you are simply talking. Next!
#10 He attends major events without you
Friend’s house party? Parents’ anniversary dinner? Maybe even his own birthday? Sometimes a man wants to maintain his independence. And at other times he wants to ensure that you don’t get too involved in his life so he can move on any time. If he never wants you around at a time of life that’s meaningful, you don’t mean that much to him. You also have better ways to spend your time — with family and friends who really care.
These are some of the signs. There are probably many more but I just can't think of them at the moment. This list is just for starters to give you an idea. Feel free to comment below with other idea's of how you know when someone is not that into you. Don't waste time waiting for someone who doesn't want to be with you. Go find a person who will treat you like the king or queen that you are! Have a nice day, and remember "GUARD YOUR HEARTS".
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Dating at any age can be a challenge. Meeting men or women in your twenties is an entirely different ball games than when you are in your 30's. Your actions and priorities are often different, hence making your perspective like day and night. Dating in 30's can often be difficult because people around us often question why we are still single.
Often when your single at 30 you start to think about dating to marry. This is the most common mistake that can be made. Instead of getting to know a person, building a friendship and maybe a relationship people want to cut straight to the chase and find out if the other person wants to get married and have kids. Don't look at dating as an interview for a spouse; treat it like an opportunity to meet a great new friend.
Another common mistake made about dating at 30 is being too narrow minded. People over 30 are less likely to date outside their type. Don't get me wrong I like someone who has the same goals as me, but sometimes I get too focused on this area. As we get older, so do our habits, and our likes and dislikes. We get comfortable in our single life. This makes it difficult to adjust to something new or to look at things differently. Trust me I'm just as stubborn. Realize that this might be another reason why some of us are still single. If you have a list of the perfect partner this might actually keep you from finding someone who might be compatible with you. Sticking to our "List" can keep us lonely and prevent us from moving forward in finding a healthy relationship that will bring meaning to our lives. If you don't keep an open mind when dating, it will always feel like a nightmare.
On the flip side, don't settle less then you deserve. I have people who tell me that one day I'm going to be sick of being single and just settle for the first person who comes along. I also had this guy who was trying to get me to date him. I knew that he wasn't the person I wanted to be with. He said "Crystal, your going to be just like my aunt. Have 50 cats and throw them all birthday parties." My response was "At least I'll be happy." Don't settle for less than you deserve because you feel that time is of the essence. Choosing to date and be with someone you really don't want to be with will cause disappointment and unhappiness.
Being single at 30 makes us independent. We are use to doing things for ourselves. We own our own homes, ride and travel on our own dime. So, the reality is we don't necessarily need a man or a woman, but we do want one. This sometimes causes conflict when we date a man. It's important to allow a man to be a man. Let him pay for the date, open the doors for us, and pamper us. While being strong and independent is great quality it can sometimes be our own worst enemy.
A couple of years ago I decided that I was sick of wasting time on relationships and dating. I decided that if I wasn't feeling something after the first couple of dates that I would just "throw in the towel" and move on to the next person. Dating at 30 can sometimes be a nightmare and our patience become more than a virtue as we get older. Resulting in us quickly ending a relationship when something doesn't go as we expect. Remember that the best of relationships happen by building a friendship first. Just because things aren't moving as quickly as you would like being quick to give up because you can't be bothered is a mistake that can be made too often.
I'm too busy to date is a comment I have made at some point in my life. At 30, our lives are busy. We have careers and busy social lives so finding time to date may be the last on our to-do list. If you don't put yourself out their to date or open yourself up to dating can leave your changes of finding the right person dramatically low. Since dating is needed to find the right person it must be treated as a priority.
Dating at 30 doesn't have to be a chore. It should be fun with the opportunity to meet new people and develop lasting friendships. Make yourself available and date away!!!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
I can't say that I ever thought that I would still be single at the age 30, but I am, and I don't regret it, not that I wouldn't like to be married (I very much would). The opportunity for marriage or a family has not come for me yet. I have always been the kind of person that has been satisfied with my life no matter what stage I am in. Being 30 and single has given me opportunities and experiences that I cherish, and wouldn't trade. Still, I feel out of place especially when people comment about me being single (your so lucky your not married, I don't understand why your still single, Don't worry it will happen for you someday, etc), or as I see my friends and family raising their children and are supported by their husband or wife. My heart yearns for that.
People try to convince me that they know what it's like to be single. Being single in your late 20's or early 30's is entirely different than being single in your 20's. So, if you haven't experienced single at 30 for yourself, just know that it's not the same, and it's not likely to be helpful to share your own dating or waiting experiences from when you were single. Don't get me wrong you can be very encouraging and do it regularly, but be sensitive because it's different.
Being single at 30 is in some ways better, and other ways it's harder. It's better because I have had the opportunity to grow and mature, and develop a broader sense of worth and self-esteem. I am more capable of processing things and dealing with issues than I use to be, and for that I am very thankful. When I was younger I depended more on others to fulfill me, and I wasn’t as grounded, so when something didn’t go well, it shook me up more so than it does now. I’m so glad that God uses experiences to grow and teach us, otherwise we’d never make it. The emotional roller coaster that a relationship or even desire for a relationship can be, has become much more tame. You realize the value of communication and patience. You also develop an independence, self-sufficiency, and emotional wellness that is very empowering.
It's harder for a few reasons, the pool of available or datable guys is shrinking, but so is the pool of close friends who remain single. Most of my friends have moved on even from the newly married stage to the baby-making stage. They are still some of the most amazing friends a girl could want, but the relationship we have is different. There is also something to be said for knowing others that are in the same life stage as you. I am however greatly blessed by a small handful of people that god has brought into my life. They know, understand, and can relate in a way that others can't. Another reason why it's harder is because all of the sudden out of nowhere you have the biological clock factor. This little voice that reminds you that the older you get the more risky pregnancy will be, and you start realizing that you really want to be married for a couple of years before having kids, and that you had better get on the ball at finding someone, so you can have a family before it's just too late. The other thing that is harder is doing things on your own. Going through difficult trials, hardships, or successes independently. These are just few examples on how being single at 30 is different.
As I mentioned above I have some friends who are in their later 20's or early 30's who are single. We have had the opportunity to talk with each other and support each other throughout the years. Today I ran into one of those friends, and we started talking about this very thing. I thought why not blog over thoughts about being single? Over the next few weeks. I'm going to be scheduling a few post on singleness, mostly things that I enjoy about being single, but some other thoughts on topics related to single life. Feel free to comment on what you might relate to or agree with, and what you might what to discuss in a future post.