I'm still attempting to meet my goals for this year, but life sometimes steers us in different directions. It's been an interesting couple of months for me. I was looking over my tender mercies list for 2013 deciding what I was going to blog about next. Over the past couple of months I have been pondering a lot about life and the decisions we choose to make. For years I have blocked myself from love. That doesn't mean that I didn't love anyone during this time, but I was fearing love (to give or receive it). As a result I pushed people away, was blinded by my fear, and became comfortable with the thought that I didn’t deserve to love or be loved. When I step back and think about that it sounds pretty damn crazy. What I have experienced in life is when people experience hurt as a result of love it creates fear. As a result of being hurt we unconsciously make decision to block out love all together.
So, why do we often opt for fear? Because from the Ego's standpoint, love can be terrifying. Love requires that we give up control. Fear allows us to seemingly maintain a certain degree of control. Love can make us vulnerable, or so we think. Fear allows us to keep the illusion that, by maintaining vigilance, we can logically determine the best course of action, and protect ourselves from pain. At this point we have to make a decision choose love or choose fear. About 6 months ago I decided to let go of my fear of love, and decided to open up to the possibility of love.
At first the thought of choosing love meant that I had to "expose" myself to past vulnerabilities, including opening up to the possibility of being hurt. Most of us have painful memories of, after opening ourselves up to love, being hurt or disappointed by those we trusted most. When we are hurt and manipulated by those we love, our trust is shattered. We feel violated. The fear then leads to anger. We swear we will never allow ourselves to be so vulnerable again. We chastise ourselves for being so "stupid" as to trust in the first place. Out of fear we start to build walls which we think will protect us from the future pain. What we don't realize is that by building walls we prevent ourselves from receiving the love we truly want and deserve. That's why, no matter how much we fear love and swear off love… after a time of recovery, we usually decide "take the chance' on love.
All I can say is as I have found someone who has helped me overcome my fear of love. Since I have chosen to love again I feel so much more complete. I love more deeply, and I am happier than I have ever been before. I’m so excited for this new venture in my life. There is no greater joy than loving someone with my whole heart. Not allowing fear and insecurities of past relationships to justify the walls I have put up in the past. I look forward to growing old with the greatest love I have ever known. The only thing we can truly fear is the unlived life.