Spiritual Strength

I have had several things happen to me in the past couple months which have left me so hurt I just don't know how to pick up the pieces. I have felt like I'm on an emotional roller coaster that just not stopping. I have never before felt such strong feeligns of hurt, anger, and pain. I'm lucky to have so many supportive people in my life who are trying to help me in the best way they can. Yet, as supportive as they have been no words have been able to stop these feelings I feel inside. I want those people who have been supportive in my life to know that I do feel their love and support. But despite their efforts to make these things better my pain and agony continue.....and leave me more lost than ever.

I have realized that emotional and psycological hurt can linger in the form of bad memories, thoughts, and experiences and if left inside it can create barriers of personal growth and can lead us to doubt our abilities, trust our emotions, and believe in the goodness of the world and people around us. I'm the type of person who wants to see the good in people, and wants to learn from the experiences in my life but I feel this heaviness of hurt and bitterness in my heart and mind. I have felt lately that because I feel these feelings so intensely I have created barriers within myself that have prevented me to move forward. I want to move forward and get past this hurtful situation, but I feel stuck.

I have also realized that we cannot always control the things that happen around us. It's impossible for us to correct the wrong doings or attiudes of others. I try to have a good attiude and have an eternal perspective on the things that happen in my life. Yet, these feelings of hurt, pain, and anger are affecting my ability to cope and understand god's purpose for me. These attitudes and ways of thinking, so deeply embedded in my heart, subconciously hold me back from believing God's promises of peace, comfort and spiritual liberation. I've had so many people tell me how I shoudl turn everything to god, and allow the healing power of the atonement in my life. I just don't know how to let that happen. I feel his love for me every day, but I also feel the advesary present in my life kicking me while I'm down. I'm usally a fighter but I don't have the strength to fight anymore.

I have realized that through no fault of anyone else because of my attiude and feelings I have missed out on many spiritual blessings that god is more than willing and ready to give me. The broken heart is restored through release from the bondage to hurtful memories, a process which includes forgiveness and emotional reconstruction. Yet I'm not ready to forgive the people who have hurt me in my life.....I'm open to forgiveness........just not over the hurt. In the midst of this situation I feel myself slipping further and further away from the spirutal strength I have within me. The spirtual power that I beleive in. It's like my faith in god and good things are broken and I don't have the strength to change it right now. I don't understand why I'm not turning to my Heavenly Father and savior who would be more than willing to carry me through this if I'd just ask. My dear friends and family please pray for me. I know things will get better, and I will be stronger because of it. I love you all!!!

Crystal