Breaking down the walls

People have asked me why I fear vulnerability. I guess to fully understand why I fear vulnerability so much. I have had to take some time to do some self-reflection, and really ask myself the question, when did I stop being vulnerable. What I've found is I really can't determine a key point in my life when I decided that love and openness were less desirable than going through some pain.

Each time I've been hurt, wounded, or scared. Little by little I've unconsciously built a wall around my heart..... brick by brick to protect myself from the pain. The walls I've built are like armor, which eventually have imprisoned the softness of the heart.

When people meet me they tell me that I'm hard to get to know, and they don't know how to take me. It's like my walls are built so thick due to being hurt so much in my life that people can feel my resistance. Yet, for those who get through the walls I've built around my heart tell me that getting through the resistance was worth it.

I've asked some of the people closest to tell me what it's like to really know me. Their responses include the following: Your the most selfless person I know, your thoughtful, your loving, your responsible, your honest, your caring, your forgiving, you enjoy what you have and love life, your a leader, your compassionate, you make me want to be a better person, and your funny. Can you imagine what I could be like if I allowed myself to be vulnerable. Who wouldn't want to love a person like that? Because I have locked my heart up for so long out of protection it's hard for me to recognize and see those qualities I have. I don't believe that I deserve love or connectedness's. So, of course it's easy for me to sabotage any relationship that I get into.

Over the past month I've really looked inside myself on how I can rebuild my connectedness, and have turned to the one person who understands that connectedness more than anyone (GOD). He has spoken to my heart and is helping me rebuild my walls and allowing that vulnerability and authenticity to take over. In the past month I have experienced more hurt, pain, and sorrow than ever before. Over the past week I found myself grabbing for the bricks again, and instead of building a thicker wall I got down on my knees and prayed. Let's just say even though I placed the brick on my wall God took it off for me. As I continue to fight my urges to cut people out of my life in the process I'm building a stronger and better me. I can't wait to see what my heart will become as I continue to allow myself to be vulnerable. So, to answer everyone questions I don't know why I fear vulnerability, but I'm ready to master it!

Crystal Angel

What is your Kryptonite?

To answer that question truthfully mine is to be vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable, but I don't think anyone really does.....do they? I go to lengths to hide my soft underbelly from the world. I pretend that I'm covered in impenetrable armor. I try not to show my emotions. I know that it seems kind of a joke considering I work with people everyday encouraging them to do that very thing. Vulnerability is about trust, openness, and allowing yourself to feel emotions even though it may be difficult.

So....Emotional vulnerability: Why are we afraid of it?

Is there a greater gift that we can give ourselves than being true and loving to our emotions and needs? From all I have observed, I would have to say "No." When it all comes down to it, there is no greater gift that one could give themselves. So, why do we hide our emotions and needs from others?

What would happen if we really opened up to emotional vulnerability? Would this enable us to achieve the success we desired in our life? Would it improve our career, relationship, health, and other areas of our life? Sometimes when I find myself avoiding certain emotional needs I ask myself these questions: What am I running away from? If I'm running away from deep rooted desires and needs can I truly be happy? Is there something I want to say but I hold it back from others out of fear or rejection? What would happen if I were to be open and honest to others and myself?

Sometimes we are so afraid to express what we love, want or need out of fear of rejection or ridicule. Truth be told the more I withhold my emotional needs the more I lack the capacity to discover true love and true success. By not being vulnerable, we are missing out on so much of our full potential. We are missing out on attracting what is best for us.

True love and true happiness comes as we are able to express our thoughts and feelings without rejection or fear. I've lived too long fearing my emotions and desires. I desire to be more vulnerable to my emotions and love. I know as I do that I can truly embrace who I am. I can be open with myself and in return open with others. I say that being vulnerable is nothing to be feared only desired.

　

Crystal Angel

The journey

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Lao-tzu

　

I cannot think of an instance where falling is supposed to be an activity that implies safety and fun to me. Skydiving. Bungee jumping. Free falling. Nope, none of these activities are making me feel warm and/or fuzzy inside. I feel like falling in love should be renamed "gently landing onto a soft bed" in love. That is something that I could believe in.

And yet we are expected to fall in love and associate it with feelings of safety, security, and completeness. It's like the universe is playing a sick mind bender game with us just to see if we're paying attention. And of course we're paying attention. There are few things in life that command our attention the way falling in love does. You can’t ignore it even if you want to. Go ahead, try to stop thinking of that person you’re thinking of right now. I dare you.

In reality, falling in love should be the safest thing we can do, but we’ve all fallen in love and subsequently fallen flat on our faces, conditioning us to feel anything but safe or secure when we’re lucky enough to do it again. It’s like biting in to a slice of pizza that is way too hot. You’re expecting warm, soft, gooey cheese and chewy dough and that moment of culinary bliss when you close your eyes and thank the sweet heavens above for such a wonderful taste bud gift. Instead, you scald the roof of your mouth, leaving your taste buds singed and that flap of skin that just won’t seem to heal no matter how many "therapeutic" first aid ice cream sandwiches you eat. The next weekend when your friends order a pizza, you’re eating a salad and avoiding the croutons, fearing you’ll chafe your just-beginning-to-heal mouth.

If only heartbreak were as pleasant as a pizza burn on the roof of your mouth.

It’s so hard, once you’ve experienced heartache, to let yourself fall in love again. So you dip a toe in and go on a date. Then you go on a few more. Pretty soon you’ve put a label on the relationship and then what? Then you’re emotionally skydiving for as long as it takes for you to feel safe. If you ever let yourself feel safe with someone. But once you’ve jumped out of the plane, there’s no going back. I'm ready to heal my heart I just need someone to be my parachute.

I've been thinking about the concept of vulnerability lately, and one of my good friends recommended a talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. She speaks about being vulnerable and says that "the one thing that keeps us out of love and connection is our fear that we're not worthy of love and connection." I know that as I open up and become more authentic by being vulnerable to love I will have more joy in my life. I'm trying to be open and will focus my next few post on my journey on learning about being vulnerable. If someone wants to comment on what makes you vulnerable feel free! Have a good day!

Crystal Angel

Where did the Spark go?

Dating?  What can I say I have a love/hate relationship with dating, but since I've been writing about dating I decided that I should follow my own advice.  Last week I was asked out by three different guys, and I didn't really want to go but I did.  I know I'm surprised too (thanks to all my wonderful friends who wouldn't allow me to cancel I really do appreciate it!).  I won't go into detail about all of those dates, but let's just say that there weren't really any sparks!  Plus there were some pretty awkward moments if you get my drift? Since I've been dating more frequently it's really got me thinking about what turns women off?  Looking at my past dating experiences these are some things that really turn me off.  

One of the biggest turn offs for women is a guy who’s insecure about himself. If you’re not confident about yourself or are feeling nervous, trust me, it shows. This is one of the biggest reasons why guys get spurned on a date. Are you happy being who you are? Do you think you make for great company? If you aren’t happy being who you are, what are the odds that the girl you’re with would like your company? Some guys have a great positive aura around themselves and some guys are just plain nervous and scared. If you’re an insecure guy, it’s time to change your behavior. Or lose the girl! Be who you are and be comfortable with who you are becoming! Confidence not arrogance is a big turn on for any women!

Guys I know most of your life you have been taught to be nice and chivalrous.  Somewhere along the line, some guys take the whole game of being chivalrous and experiencing the womanliness inside a man to a whole new level. Drum roll… welcome… the sensitive guy.  Sensitive guys are really nice guys who’ve listened to their mama and have learnt their manners. They’re very much in touch with the feminine side inside them, but they’ve been so rigorously trained on connecting with their feminine side that they’ve crossed the line and have gone way overboard. Watching a mushy movie with a guy and crying on his manly shoulder is a great way for a girl to spend Sunday afternoon, but sharing tissues to wipe each other’s tears? Nope, that’s just not right. Same goes with guys who ask if a girl’s having a nice time a hundred times on a date.  There is

Some guys think they have it all. And at some point, all the attention and the smothering from their parents and buddies make them assume they own the world. They make idiotic statements and love talking about their own glorious deeds or misdeeds. Do you incessantly talk about how well you played a game or how many cars you own?  Well, say what you want, you’re just going to be a cocky pompous prick. Even gold diggers may get bored of you in no time. Learn some humility and you could still get back in a girl’s good books.  By bragging about how much money your making or how intelligent you are can be a huge turn off for a woman. 

Gosh, another big one on the list. Have you ever met a guy who was just too boring? Now I don’t mean nerdy or geeky, those types can be great guys and even better boyfriend materials. I’m talking about boring guys whose company can kill you in no time.  All girls and guys have experienced this at some point in their lives. We’ve all had to sit next to a guy, and his conversations were so boring that you would rather jump off a cliff. To avoid being a guy in this cliché, work your conversation around what your date wants to talk about. If you see her looking around while you’re talking, it’s time to change the conversation. If you see her eyes light up and her gestures getting animated, you’ve hit the conversation jackpot, baby!

Are you a dumb guy? Yeah, of course, you aren’t. But many guys are really dumb without realizing it. Now I’m not talking about being an idiot or the village simpleton. I’m talking about guys who speak their minds on a date, without thinking about how their date would feel. If she’s looking around while you’re talking, and you realize you need to change the topic of conversation, do it discreetly. Don’t ever say, “Oh, you’re getting bored, aren’t you? You can tell me, I won’t mind…” Unless you want your date to claw her nails into the leather of her seat or crawl her toes in awkward cringing desperation, avoid being a dumb guy.

Now we have the mirror cracking good looking boy. Any guy who spends more time in front of the mirror than his own girlfriend is a huge turn off. But we’re not stopping there. If you’re having dinner with your date, and the waiter accidently spills a bit of juice on your silk shirt, wipe it away like a man. Don’t whine about how your silk shirt is ruined and behave like a drama queen. In the world of dating, a narcissistic guy is one who’s overly bothered about his own things like his cell phone, watch, or just about anything else that belongs to him. Boy, you’re with a woman. Let her be the cynosure of your eyes!

Manner, manners. Girls like a guy who knows his manners. Now every guy should know his manners *though he should never push it and become the sensitive guy*. But that’s not it at all. There’s something even bigger. You should be man enough to apologize or accept that you’re wrong. No guy’s a bigger sore loser or a turn off than a guy who just can’t accept his fault, but would rather throw tantrums and make a fuss and pout like a four year old. Learn to man up and remember, accepting that you’ve made a mistake is not a sign of weakness.

Don't get me wrong I love meeting people and getting to know them, and am grateful for the dating experiences.  There are many good guys out there that make wonderful dates!  It's just been a long couple of weeks of bad experiences!

 

Crystal Angel