The journey

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Lao-tzu

　

I cannot think of an instance where falling is supposed to be an activity that implies safety and fun to me. Skydiving. Bungee jumping. Free falling. Nope, none of these activities are making me feel warm and/or fuzzy inside. I feel like falling in love should be renamed "gently landing onto a soft bed" in love. That is something that I could believe in.

And yet we are expected to fall in love and associate it with feelings of safety, security, and completeness. It's like the universe is playing a sick mind bender game with us just to see if we're paying attention. And of course we're paying attention. There are few things in life that command our attention the way falling in love does. You can’t ignore it even if you want to. Go ahead, try to stop thinking of that person you’re thinking of right now. I dare you.

In reality, falling in love should be the safest thing we can do, but we’ve all fallen in love and subsequently fallen flat on our faces, conditioning us to feel anything but safe or secure when we’re lucky enough to do it again. It’s like biting in to a slice of pizza that is way too hot. You’re expecting warm, soft, gooey cheese and chewy dough and that moment of culinary bliss when you close your eyes and thank the sweet heavens above for such a wonderful taste bud gift. Instead, you scald the roof of your mouth, leaving your taste buds singed and that flap of skin that just won’t seem to heal no matter how many "therapeutic" first aid ice cream sandwiches you eat. The next weekend when your friends order a pizza, you’re eating a salad and avoiding the croutons, fearing you’ll chafe your just-beginning-to-heal mouth.

If only heartbreak were as pleasant as a pizza burn on the roof of your mouth.

It’s so hard, once you’ve experienced heartache, to let yourself fall in love again. So you dip a toe in and go on a date. Then you go on a few more. Pretty soon you’ve put a label on the relationship and then what? Then you’re emotionally skydiving for as long as it takes for you to feel safe. If you ever let yourself feel safe with someone. But once you’ve jumped out of the plane, there’s no going back. I'm ready to heal my heart I just need someone to be my parachute.

I've been thinking about the concept of vulnerability lately, and one of my good friends recommended a talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. She speaks about being vulnerable and says that "the one thing that keeps us out of love and connection is our fear that we're not worthy of love and connection." I know that as I open up and become more authentic by being vulnerable to love I will have more joy in my life. I'm trying to be open and will focus my next few post on my journey on learning about being vulnerable. If someone wants to comment on what makes you vulnerable feel free! Have a good day!

Crystal Angel

Where did the Spark go?

Dating?  What can I say I have a love/hate relationship with dating, but since I've been writing about dating I decided that I should follow my own advice.  Last week I was asked out by three different guys, and I didn't really want to go but I did.  I know I'm surprised too (thanks to all my wonderful friends who wouldn't allow me to cancel I really do appreciate it!).  I won't go into detail about all of those dates, but let's just say that there weren't really any sparks!  Plus there were some pretty awkward moments if you get my drift? Since I've been dating more frequently it's really got me thinking about what turns women off?  Looking at my past dating experiences these are some things that really turn me off.  

One of the biggest turn offs for women is a guy who’s insecure about himself. If you’re not confident about yourself or are feeling nervous, trust me, it shows. This is one of the biggest reasons why guys get spurned on a date. Are you happy being who you are? Do you think you make for great company? If you aren’t happy being who you are, what are the odds that the girl you’re with would like your company? Some guys have a great positive aura around themselves and some guys are just plain nervous and scared. If you’re an insecure guy, it’s time to change your behavior. Or lose the girl! Be who you are and be comfortable with who you are becoming! Confidence not arrogance is a big turn on for any women!

Guys I know most of your life you have been taught to be nice and chivalrous.  Somewhere along the line, some guys take the whole game of being chivalrous and experiencing the womanliness inside a man to a whole new level. Drum roll… welcome… the sensitive guy.  Sensitive guys are really nice guys who’ve listened to their mama and have learnt their manners. They’re very much in touch with the feminine side inside them, but they’ve been so rigorously trained on connecting with their feminine side that they’ve crossed the line and have gone way overboard. Watching a mushy movie with a guy and crying on his manly shoulder is a great way for a girl to spend Sunday afternoon, but sharing tissues to wipe each other’s tears? Nope, that’s just not right. Same goes with guys who ask if a girl’s having a nice time a hundred times on a date.  There is

Some guys think they have it all. And at some point, all the attention and the smothering from their parents and buddies make them assume they own the world. They make idiotic statements and love talking about their own glorious deeds or misdeeds. Do you incessantly talk about how well you played a game or how many cars you own?  Well, say what you want, you’re just going to be a cocky pompous prick. Even gold diggers may get bored of you in no time. Learn some humility and you could still get back in a girl’s good books.  By bragging about how much money your making or how intelligent you are can be a huge turn off for a woman. 

Gosh, another big one on the list. Have you ever met a guy who was just too boring? Now I don’t mean nerdy or geeky, those types can be great guys and even better boyfriend materials. I’m talking about boring guys whose company can kill you in no time.  All girls and guys have experienced this at some point in their lives. We’ve all had to sit next to a guy, and his conversations were so boring that you would rather jump off a cliff. To avoid being a guy in this cliché, work your conversation around what your date wants to talk about. If you see her looking around while you’re talking, it’s time to change the conversation. If you see her eyes light up and her gestures getting animated, you’ve hit the conversation jackpot, baby!

Are you a dumb guy? Yeah, of course, you aren’t. But many guys are really dumb without realizing it. Now I’m not talking about being an idiot or the village simpleton. I’m talking about guys who speak their minds on a date, without thinking about how their date would feel. If she’s looking around while you’re talking, and you realize you need to change the topic of conversation, do it discreetly. Don’t ever say, “Oh, you’re getting bored, aren’t you? You can tell me, I won’t mind…” Unless you want your date to claw her nails into the leather of her seat or crawl her toes in awkward cringing desperation, avoid being a dumb guy.

Now we have the mirror cracking good looking boy. Any guy who spends more time in front of the mirror than his own girlfriend is a huge turn off. But we’re not stopping there. If you’re having dinner with your date, and the waiter accidently spills a bit of juice on your silk shirt, wipe it away like a man. Don’t whine about how your silk shirt is ruined and behave like a drama queen. In the world of dating, a narcissistic guy is one who’s overly bothered about his own things like his cell phone, watch, or just about anything else that belongs to him. Boy, you’re with a woman. Let her be the cynosure of your eyes!

Manner, manners. Girls like a guy who knows his manners. Now every guy should know his manners *though he should never push it and become the sensitive guy*. But that’s not it at all. There’s something even bigger. You should be man enough to apologize or accept that you’re wrong. No guy’s a bigger sore loser or a turn off than a guy who just can’t accept his fault, but would rather throw tantrums and make a fuss and pout like a four year old. Learn to man up and remember, accepting that you’ve made a mistake is not a sign of weakness.

Don't get me wrong I love meeting people and getting to know them, and am grateful for the dating experiences.  There are many good guys out there that make wonderful dates!  It's just been a long couple of weeks of bad experiences!

 

Crystal Angel  

 

Who defines our happiness?

 

Happiness is something that everyone wants and desires to have.  Happiness is different for everyone.  I have heard time and time again from my single friends "When I get into a relationship or get married then I will be happy."  Many of these single friends who have made this comment once they get into a relationship or get married still feel unhappy.  The real question should be does being single make us unhappy or is it not knowing who we are?  Who defines our happiness?  For those of you who struggle in being single and finding happiness in your life I have some words of wisdom today!

Being single is not anything to be ashamed about in our age! We live in a time when most relationships break up and there is no guarantee that even the best ones will last.  In the meantime, there is much to enjoy in life, and singleness has a great many benefits that those couples you envy would give an arm or a leg for!!  I'm not saying avoid relationships and stay single.  Today I want to talk about different ways to find joy in your single life.

1st: Take charge of your reality and give up all that envy! 

I'll admit that sometimes I get a little envious when I get the wedding or baby announcement in the mail!!! I say stop worrying about everyone else around you getting into relationships, getting married, or having babies believing that you need those things as well.  All those happy couples in movies and television shows are the fabrications of Hollywood writers.  Real couples have messy lives; they fight, leave the bathroom dirty, have financial struggles, and fight over the remote control.  Give up your unrealistic fantasies of your soul mate and how most people around you are just regular folk--good people, but not magical heroes who fix each other’s lives.

2nd: Be better

Focus on becoming the best person you can be.  Take classes, workout, grow a garden, do volunteer work, go to therapy, do whatever your heart desires.  Remember that everything you do should be for you! High self-confidence will attract more friends and maybe in the long run even a little romance.  One of the most amazing feelings ever is looking yourself in the mirror every morning and being proud of the person that you are becoming.  As I strive to be better I learn to love myself more and more.  Concentrate on yourself and figure out what you like and don't like.  Make plans with friends that you haven't seen in a while.  Take a nice hot bath, read a book, walk the dog, or watch your favorite TV show.  Take time for yourself and don't sweat finding someone.  Finding love will be easier as you get to know yourself and love yourself. 

3rd:  Indulge yourself

Go out and get your nails done, have a spa day, or get a massage.  Just because you don't have someone to impress or please doesn’t mean you stop leasing yourself.  Remember you are a strong, independent person who deserves the best.  So give it to yourself and don't feel guilty.  I can't tell you how many of my married friends can no longer afford doing some of the things that I enjoy doing like getting my hair and nails done.  We might as well enjoy it while we can right? 

4th: Play the field

Go out and have fun.  Go out to clubs with your friends.  Dance and flirt with others if you like.  Don't be afraid to give or take phone numbers, just realize that nothing may come of it.  I was laughing with a friend the other day about how many times I have refused to give my phone number out.  I kick myself now.  Take a risk who knows the guy at the grocery store throwing you those corny lines might actually be a really nice guy... (But seriously who asks for a girl’s number in the grocery store?).  Let people set you up, or try online dating.  Make yourself available to have fun and meet people!

5th:  Take up a new hobby

Learn guitar, join tap class, grow a garden, write a novel, and cook some gourmet meals!  Do whatever you have ever wanted to do, and do it now.  Trying something new can lead to new skills, friendships, and a higher self-esteem. 

6th:  Positive affirmations are important

Look in the mirror and say things that you like about yourself.  Repeat phrases to yourself such as "I'm strong and beautiful." and tell your reflection that you love you.  You need to know that you cannot expect others to make you happy.  You are the only person who can make you happy in the end.

7th: Be an optimist

I've always been a half glass full kind of person. Being optimistic helps you whether you are single, married, divorced or widowed.  One of the things that I do every day is keep a gratitude diary and every night think of five things I am grateful for.  I love finding the silver lining in everything throughout my day, and savoring the little pleasures.  I love this quote that says "happiness is not just a package that we can open up and consume.  True happiness comes by recognize the elements of happiness and enjoying them as they last."

Happiness is a life time goal and desire.  Happiness is not a destination but a journey.  Enjoy the journey!! 

 

Love,

Crystal

Kids thoughts on Love

This article made me smile I thought I would share.  Happy Reading!!

By Pete Pearson and Ellyn Bader 

Philosophers and poets have struggled with the concept of love for years. Well, here’s another take. Someone did a small survey on examples of love and asked some of the best philosophers around-kids. Even if you’ve seen these quotes before, they’re worth reading again.

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t
think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6
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“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8
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“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is
different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy – age 4
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“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
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“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy – age 6
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“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
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“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny – age 7
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“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily – age 8
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“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7
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“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” Nikka – age 6
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“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7
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“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy -
age 6
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“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8
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“My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me before I go to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6
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“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine-age 5
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“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.” Chris – age 7
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“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.” Mary Ann – age 4
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“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4
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“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and
little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7
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“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 8


Sometimes we over complicate love.  I love how kids remind us to simplify our life and to love unconditionally. 

Love Crystal

"Diease to Please"

"Crystal, Your so perfect!" UGG! I can't tell you how many times I have heard these words come out of people's mouths. Sometimes I sit in awe wondering where one would pick up such messages from me? Me perfect? The thought makes me laugh, and even though I know that being "perfect" is an unrealistic expectation I feel the need to try to reach it. The pressure to be perfect...I really don't know where it started, but everyday I'm trying to let go of the need to be perfect. So, today I will blog my thoughts and feelings about the "disease to please".

Many people in this world are in constant pursuit of perfection, and at times, that pursuit can evolve into a pressure that can feel overwhelming. For the person who feels that pressure, it can appear as a gnawing and constant pressure to measure up to a particular standard imposed on you by yourself, others, or what he or she perceives other to be pressuring them to be or become, and hopefully avoid a sense of failure rise to some level of accepted or ideal accomplishment. Interestingly enough, so many people live their lives day by day managing this pressure, and among these people many are drowning within the pressure to various points of psychological breakdown/distress.

I am no stranger to pressures to be perfect. As a woman, I completely understand the pressures to look beautiful. When I was a student, I always put pressure on myself to do well academically, and acknowledge good grades with a sense of accomplishment and a "pat on the back" for a job well done. As a daughter, I have put pressure on myself to be a perfect daughter who rarely make mistakes, and live life perfectly. When I was younger, my parents would always tell my brother and sister "why can't you be more like Crystal." As a result, I put pressure on myself to be the perfect combination of both brains and beauty, eventually coming to the conclusion in my mid-twenties that the pressure to be perfect was literally gnawing at my ability to reasonably enjoy my life to the fullest. On many days, I had an agenda to make strides towards some goal/combination of goals, and if I did not accomplish them, I would feel as if that day was a "less than perfect" day, and I went to bed feeling incomplete. Managing this pressure for perfection increasingly became a burden, and I began to realize that although this pressure may have helped me accomplish a lot within 25 years, there was a better way to live life and accomplish everything without attempting to measure up to a self- imposed standard of perfection.

Over the past 5 years I have tried to overcome my need to please, but at times I find myself slipping back into trying to be perfect in order to please those around me. Lately, I have found myself doubting myself and feeling so inadequate, because of not meeting others unrealistic expectations. I'm still waiting for the cure-all solution to relieve myself from the pressure of perfection, but I'm realizing that to unlearn this kind of pressure can be a longer process than I thought. Who knew I couldn't perfect, imperfection! Time to let go and start making myself happy!

Not just going to settle!

Sorry, I haven't posted for a while. I've been crazy busy, and sick for the past couple of weeks.  I hope all is well.  I recently had someone tell me that I just need to put myself out there, and find someone to be with even if that means settling.  I love my life and enjoy fully each stage of my life I get to experience.  Even though I am not at the place in my life I dream to be at doesn't mean that I would sacrifice my happiness to fulfill my yearning for finding my prince charming and having a family.

 

How many times have you heard things similar to this: you’re too picky, you’re shooting too high, or you should just go out with him and see what happens?  I can't tell you how many times that I have heard these things before.  I remember one time this guy really wanted me to go out with him.  I already knew that I wasn't attracted to him or had things compatible with him.  I kept telling him no and one day after turning him down for the 50th time he turned to me and said "Crystal, you’re going to be just like my aunt. You'll have fifty cats and throw them birthday parties, because no guy will ever be good enough for you."  I just looked at him and said "I would rather have 50 cats then be with someone who I'm not happy with."  My response left him stunned.

 

My uncle a few years later said: "Crystal, your standards are too high, and most men in comparable are not up to your standards.  One day you'll get sick of waiting and settle for someone way beneath your standards just to get married."  I looked at him and said "I will just never get married then, because I would rather be happy than miserable." 

 

My standards are too high?  HAHA! Have you seen the guys I've dated?   I'm just asking for some guy who shares my values, who is driven, who is kind, who has a good sense of humor, and has some education or drive to be successful in his life.  The only reason why I ask for these things is because these things are important to me.  I have seen too many of my friends in relationships or marriages that they are not happy with, and who stay in these relationships even though they are miserable and depressed.  I just choose to find someone who I can enjoy my life with.  I don't have commitment issues, I'm not too good for someone, but I do want to be happy in my life.  If I have to wait another 30 years I won't settle just because I'm lonely or getting older.  I truly believe there is someone out there for all of us.  Apparently, mine is just wandering deep into the forest and I haven't traveled long enough to find him.  Once I do find him I'm sure we will bring each other happiness and joy!!!  No need to settle I'll continue to enjoy the journey!  

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Crystal  

Do and Don'ts of dating

It's not always easy to find someone who is right for you, but your dry spell could be more than just bad luck. If you've been circling the waters for some time with nothing to show for your search, here are some reasons you might be coming op short. Here are some DON"t and Do tips that I have learned over my years of dating or seeing other of my friends dating that might get you over a dry spell and on to meeting Mr. Right.

1) You may be too needy

Acting too serious too soon can scare some guys off. I have seen many of my friends do this. Even if you think you've made a connection and you really like someone you've been seeing, don't act too clingy after just a few dates. Give your new guy some breathing room so he doesn't go running scared before date number four. Also when you date someone make sure it's a date. I can't tell you how many time's I've had to wipe my friends tears away because they have mistaken "hanging out" as dating.

2) You may be too picky (aka...I've been told this before).

Sure, standards are good. You can't go dating every unemployed loser that comes knocking, but just because he doesn't make six figures and have abs of steel doesn't mean you shouldn't give him a chance. If your not finding Mr. Right, you may need to readjust your idea of who Mr. Right really is.

You may ask how to readjust? First, date outside your comfort zone. Say yes to guys who you aren't normally attracted to just to see what happens. In my 6.5 year relationship I can honestly say that I wasn't initially attracted to him. It's not that he wasn't good looking, but just not my typically guy I would date. Over the time we dated I grew more and more attracted to him. Second, Allow for others to set you up (I hate this with a passion) however it has given me the opportunity to meet some amazing guys. You can also ask your friends to set you up or introduce you to nice, single guys they may know. You may not make a love connection, but you will meet men you might not usually go for. Lastly, rethink your must-have traits. Maybe your view of Mr. Right is too narrow. Does he have to be a doctor with blonde hair?" By broadening your scope of what boyfriend material means may help in finding happiness in area's you wouldn't have thought.

3) You don't go out enough.

In order to meet guys, you have to leave the house. This means trying new classes at the gym, going to parties with friends, volunteering and even signing up for local sports team as a way to meet people with similar interests -- Ideally cute ones, with nice eyes and killer smile. I have recently started broadening my horizon by joining a Boise Active Singles group. I have attended events and found it most enjoyable. Find local activities in your area that could help in meeting new people.

My friend also told me that I should adopt the "just say Yes" policy for one month. Because What I have found is I say "NO" too often. During the month say yes to everyone--friends who want to go dancing, the guy from your gym, your sister who wants to go on a last-minute weekend road trip. Do things to get out more. You never know what will happen when you say YES!

4) Your not confident

If you don't project confidence when in the presence of men you might be interested in, you can probably write off a love connection. Getting asked out or asking someone out and getting a yes requires a certain level of confidence. When you don't feel confident people can tell. Just because you don't feel confident doesn't mean you can't ack like you are. My motto: "fake it till you make it".

Different ways to appear more confident is first, smile more and make eye contact. I have found that when people look down frequently it makes them look nervous. Ask questions. When I get around guys I like or am attracted too I forget to do this . Asking thoughtful questions about his life will take the pressure off of you to come up with entertaining anecdotes and give you more time to collect your thoughts. Lastly, relax and dont' fidget. I can't tell you how many times I have come off less confident due to being so fidgety. Constantly playing with your hair, clothes or drink is a dead giveaway you are nervous. Sometimes I have to pretend I'm talking to a good friend.

These are just some signs and ways we can build confidence and meet new people. It's hard to take risks, but as you put yourself out there it gives more opportunity to increase enjoyment and satisfaction in dating.

　

Crystal Angel.